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The Ultimate PWC Repellent 

Nautical Jokes (Celebrating the lighter side of boating!)

• Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down." "That I am lassie", said the sailor, " It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!" "That's a shame sweety, how bad does it get ?" "Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"

• As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore. As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?" The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."

• The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was apparently trying to get a medical discharge from the navy. "What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor. "I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor. "I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was a puppy!"

• There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

• From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him," Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise. Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one"

• A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw. The man asked what happened. The waiter said, "It must have been in a fight." "Good," said the man, " now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"

• The sailors were chowing down while the cook was bragging to a couple of other sailors, "My best dishes are meat loaf and peach cobbler. Over hearing that comment, one sailor asked, "That's great, which is this?"

• A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help. They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside. The dentist yelled, "it's a miracle!" "No" , said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"

• A woman was complaining to a friend that her husband was always repainting their wood boat. The friend asked, " How many times could he have painted the boat? Twice? Three times? The wife said, "A lot more than that! When we bought the boat it was a nineteen foot speed boat. It's now a twenty-one foot cruiser!"

• The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee. As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said, "It looks like rain." Upset the cook yelled at the sailor, "For the last time, it's coffee!"

• One man's hobby was sailing. He spent all his weekends on the ocean, river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife "What terrible weather today, honey," he said to her. "Yes, and my idiot husband went sailing!"

• An elderly sailor wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check." In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we will send the engine."

• An old man and a young man sailed together on a regular basis. One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any. After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts. "That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

• An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; " it was me first day with the hook."

• A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up. -"Jump in, we'll save you" - they screamed. -"No" - cried the drowning man, - "God will save me". The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man. -"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot. -"No, God will save me" - was the response again. The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus. -"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?! ""Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

"We are tied to the ocean,"
President Kennedy said in
1962 at a dinner celebrating
America's Cup.

"When we go back to the sea,
whether it is to sail or to watch it,
we are going back from whence we came..."

"The Sea is so Big,
My Boat is so Small"

~JFK~

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Last modified: Wednesday April 27, 2011.                                                                                                (862) 926 - 0124